How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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