I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
