the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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