i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
