I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
