be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
