I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
