just come out here and I will go home with you...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
