My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
