Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
