LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
