Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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