she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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