The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
