Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
