Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
