Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
