I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
