I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
