I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
