im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
