i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Vodka?
Forever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
