did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
