Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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