I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
