he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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