thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
