i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
