the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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