you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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