Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
