i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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