What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
