I love black thongs
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
