Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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