I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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