So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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