It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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