Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
