YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
