so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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