I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
