Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
