Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
