Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
its liver damage thursday
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
