True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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