I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
