I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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