god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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