Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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